I haven’t posted much lately. This has less to do with me not having anything to say and more to do with me being bored by the blogosphere’s population of 17-year-old Christian fundamentalists telling me that I’m an idiot in my comments section. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I don’t enjoy reading their comments. In fact, they’re probably right about me being a dick! But, in the end, it’s hard to take comments seriously when they’re made by identity-starved Jesus freaks who worship emo vampires and Lady Gaga.
But anyway, as the spirit of the fourth week of November would dictate, I suppose I am thankful that there are cyber people who invest some of their thoughts into things that I think about. Moreover, I am thankful that I have a real family that hasn’t excommunicated me and real friends that tolerate my random lapses of insanity. As a gesture of gratitude, I host an annual Christmas party (unofficially called “Shane Varnet’s Christmas Extravaganza”) for these non-Christians every second Saturday of December. I shamelessly use guilt-trip tactics to make them feel obligated to attend because sometimes friendship is best when it’s forced. While some may feel like they would rather watch a Dane Cook show with a gun to their head than go to this party, everyone leaves the party feeling full, drunk, and, thus, happy. Everyone also leaves with a present, such as a DVD player or a home pregnancy test, because that is how much I love them.
The part I look forward to the most regarding this annual Christmas party is not seeing friends I haven’t seen in over a year. The best part for me is that I get to create the Extravaganza’s background music playlist. This gives me the excuse to delve into my collection of Christmas songs, a genre of music that is highly underrated. No matter what you want to believe, Christmas has nothing to do with the birth of Jesus Christ. It lost all religious significance when it was declared a federal holiday. Nowadays, Christmas has everything to do with feeling warm and fuzzy and cuddly, and Christmas music has a lot to do with that. (I’m sure that there are people who will disagree with this sentiment, but these are the same people who also deny that December 25 is the feast day of the pagan god of the Sun. Reality is reality, but it’s also what we want it to be. Christmas is about giving gifts, drinking eggnog, and roasting chestnuts on an open fire. Linus was wrong, but Mel Torme knew what he was talking about. )
There is no better way to get everyone into the Christmas spirit (or drive them insane) than by making them listen to hours of Christmas music. Theoretically, I can play The Jackson 5 Christmas Album all night long because it will put everyone in a jolly mood. After all, it is the greatest Christmas album of all time. However, playing one album for four consecutive hours would be boring. The key to creating a good playlist is to make it as diverse as the people who are listening to it. Here are some notes on some of the things I’ve observed about the songs in my Christmas collection:
- Every slut in the music industry has covered Santa Baby (Marilyn Monroe, Madonna, Kylie Minogue, Kellie Pickler, etc.).
- I don’t speak any foreign languages, but I understand Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano more than I do Christmas in Killarney by Irish Rovers.
- In Mistletoe, Colbie Caillat sings that “It’s not Christmas if the snow don’t fall.” Being that she was born and raised in Malibu, California, this makes her full of shit.
- Christmas in Hollis by Run-DMC is possibly the worst Christmas song ever. It does nothing to put me in the Christmas spirit. It just makes me want to buy Adidas.
- Britney Spears’ My Only Wish is in her top five songs of all-time (behind Toxic, Womanizer, I’m a Slave 4 U, and 3).
- Hanson’s Little Saint Nick is only slightly more heterosexual than the Beach Boys’ version.
- Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas is You is undeniably the most perfect Christmas single ever.
- My Chemical Romance’s rendition of All I Want for Christmas is You is probably the best covered Christmas song ever. Interestingly, Welcome to the Black Parade sounds like a Christmas song to me, even though it is not. This probably has more to do with the fact that this song was very popular around Christmastime in 2006 and less to do with the fact that Gerard Way looks like an elf.