Tuesday, 12 May 2009

• Currently This Is My First Album By Kwest tha Madd Ladd see related

  Untitled

  For a moment I thought that I was dead, but I was certain that I was alive.  My heart was still beating. 

  But I was surrounded by nothing.  There was nothing above or below me, nor was there anything in front of or behind me.  I was enveloped in complete blackness, but this wasn’t a Tyler Perry movie.  I didn’t know where I was.  The darkness was blinding, and the silence was deafening. 

  I was nowhere, but that wasn’t the scary part.  The terrifying thing was that I was falling uncontrollably.  Even though there was nothing around me to serve as a reference point, I knew that I was falling. My stomach rose into my chest and my heart jumped into my throat.  I was cold.  I was scared.  I was helpless.  And no one was going to save me.

  My emotions were in limbo. 

  No one heard me scream as I tumbled through the ethereal void.

  **********

  I don’t know how long I screamed for.  Time is relative.  So I suppose in the middle of nothingness, time is insignificant.  In a way, I was thankful that no one was around to hear me scream, because I scream like a little girl.

  I stopped screaming when I realized that I wasn’t falling anymore.  Instead, I was standing.  I wasn’t cold anymore, and I wasn’t scared.  I didn’t realize when it happened, but I was standing in my parents’ living room watching my brothers and me playing Atari video games.

  I was standing in my college dorm room watching my roommates trying to figure out how to use a Coke can to smoke pot.

  I was standing in the middle of my undergrad’s University Center watching my friends cramming for a midterm.

  I was standing in the middle of the Office Depot Center, watching me and my class graduate from professional school.

  I was standing in my old work’s parking lot watching Sarah greet me as she stepped out of her car.

  I was standing in my living room, reading a text message from my girlfriend saying that she loved me and she’d see me “soooooooon.”

  I was happy, at least for a little bit.

  But the truth settled in, and the truth was that I was alone.  The worst part about being alone is that you’re never truly alone.  You’ll have the wonderful memories to keep you company.  But by that same token you’ll always have the painful ghosts that will haunt you forever. 

  Some people can live with this and some people can’t.  Some people face their problems and handle them, and some people turn away and ignore them.  You can’t outrun your ghosts, but you can try.

  I got out of my own mind.  I started running.  The visual menagerie shattered into a million pieces.  I ran without looking back, knowing that the ghosts were chasing me.  I ran through the shards of broken promises as they shredded my body, heart, and soul.

  I’m running through the dark as far away as I can.  I don’t know where I’m going, but I know where I want to go.

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