Wednesday, 30 July 2008

• Currently Listening All We Know Is Falling By Paramore see related

  Starbucks, Home of the Britons

  Someone I frequently see at Starbucks is a 35-year old British dude named Harry.  Like myself, we are both considered “regulars” at this place because we spend hours and hours sitting on our asses on their comfortable sofa chairs while staring into our laptop computers.  Anyone who spends this much time at Starbucks must have a life with questionable redeeming social value.  I’m here on a Wednesday morning right now because I have nothing to do; I have no doubt that writing this post will be the most exciting thing I will do all day.   He is here and seems to be writing something as well, but what he is writing seems to be much more meaningful than this blog post that I am producing right now.  I haven’t seen him in a few days, so I ask him where he has been.  He says (note: his British accent is indicated by italics), “I’ve been going to the Starbucks on Maple Street.  You know, I just thought I’d try out another store.  Just to, you know…  I just needed to, you know...”  And then I say, “You just needed to change things up for a bit?”  And he says, “Yeah!  Yeah!  I just needed to change things up for a bit.  Yeah.  That’s what I wanted to say.  Yeah.” 
  

  
  95% of my conversations with Harry follow this general format.  He never seems to be able to say what it is he is trying to say, and I always end up finishing his sentences for him.  And therein lies the paradox.  He is ostensibly English; yet talking to him is like talking to someone to whom English is a second language.  He might be the only Briton in the world who can’t speak English, which is one of the reasons I find him remarkably fascinating.  However, considering that I don’t know him all that well, it’s very possible that his accent may not be authentic.  From previous conversations with him, I know that he is an actor trying to get a break in the entertainment industry.  He could just be practicing his accent on a nobody like me.  He might be a Polish immigrant from Van Nuys.  How the hell should I know?  I’m not a linguist.

  Anyway, I’m hoping that the more I talk to Harry the more his British accent (genuine or fake) will rub off on me.  To any American, the British accent is ridiculously irresistible.  It’s considered sophisticated and attractive, and I have no doubt that if I had a British accent it would compensate for my weird looks at least a little bit.  Being a “4” on the hotness scale, the accent might bump me up to a “5.5,” which would work wonders for my social life.  The most remarkable quality about the British accent is that it makes you immune from being a dick.  Let’s consider American Idol judge Simon Cowell.  He is obviously a prick on the show, yet he is undeniably the most popular of the three judges.  If Simon was American with, say, a New York accent and said the things that he said, we would have sent him back to Brooklyn a long time ago.   Also, if Hugh Laurie played Greg House with his normal English accent, it’s inconceivable that House would have gained his reputation as being a world-class asshole.

  Simon, like Hugh Laurie, could probably pull off a good American accent because British people seem to do it easily.  I was floored the first time I heard Christian Bale speak normally and found out that he was a hardcore British FOB and not an American psycho.  I suppose that’s a testament to his skills as an actor.  Moreover, in the Batman films, he not only had to speak American but he also had to speak like a superhero, which is, apparently, with a deep, booming, growling voice from the depths of his diaphragm.  It would be interesting to see him play Batman as a Briton, though.  I suppose it would sound something like this (note:  superhero voice is indicated by BOLD CAPS and British accent is indicated by italics):

  “EXCUSE ME, MR. JOKER, BUT DID YOU BLOW UP THAT HOSPITAL?”

   “No.” 

  “MY APOLOGIES.  OFF YOU GO.”

  I’m going to start drinking some of that bloody tea at Starbucks.

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